Annual Review, or Meeting Expectations

It’s annual review time at my work. And that, my friends, means one thing: everyone will be on their best behavior. I even attempted to bribe my boss this morning with a miniature Snickers bar. I’ve got bills to pay.
“Oh, let me get that for you.”
“Sure, I can do that.”
“Hey, great to see you this morning.”
“No, it’s no problem at all.”
“I’d be glad to.”
Everyone wants to meet or exceed expectations at review time.

Matthew 12:7-8 (NLT) “But you would not have condemned my innocent disciples if you knew the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For the Son of Man is Lord, even over the Sabbath!”

Keep in mind, however, that even Jesus and His disciples didn’t meet everyone’s expectations. They couldn’t win for losing. You can run yourself ragged trying to please all the people all the time; you’ll never do it. As this week is coming to a close, I want to encourage you to concentrate your efforts on pleasing the One. The week is almost up; you can make it.

Weird Math, or Getting In The Game

Jesus does math weird. I don’t mean that disrespectfully, and I say that as someone who isn’t that great at math; it’s just weird how things add up for Him. Remember the parable about the vineyard owner who paid the folks who worked an hour the same as the folks who worked all day? I mean, that’s weird math.

He does that over and over in scripture. 5,000 grown men standing around hungry (not counting the women and kids)? ‘Yep, a few biscuits and a couple fish should do just fine.’ And then He gets 12 baskets of leftovers out of it. That’s some weird math.

Need to pay the temple tax? ‘Cool, no problem. Peter, you go fishing, and the fish will have the money we need.’ I’ve been fishing plenty, and I’ve never fished out a coin from a fish’s mouth. Weird math.

‘Hey, I’m going to send you 70 guys out on a huge ministry trip to every city you can possibly visit, so make sure you don’t even take a change of clothes or absolutely any money at all.’ That is some weird math. That’s dangerous math.

The way God balances the books is weird. It doesn’t look the way it would look if I did it. It doesn’t add up when I do the math, and yet everything still balances out right.

Matthew 10:40-32 (NLT) “Anyone who receives you receives me, and anyone who receives me receives the Father who sent me. If you receive a prophet as one who speaks for God, you will be given the same reward as a prophet. And if you receive righteous people because of their righteousness, you will be given a reward like theirs. And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded.”

The math of God’s rewards works in similar odd fashion. A facilitator of ministry, in the eyes of God, shares equally with the one actually doing the work. It’s odd, and amazing all at once when you really stare at the implications of it.

Show up to that ministry event: boom, rewarded. Give financially so someone can fulfill their calling: boom, equal share. If worse comes to worse, a cup of cold water will do: boom, rewarded.

When you receive an ambassador from a country, you in effect receive the country that ambassador represents. That’s the kind of math that God operates on. It’s a math involving authority much more than numbers or dollars. When you receive Jesus, You receive the one He represents. When you receive or support one of Jesus’ laborers, you receive the One they represent. It’s (a = b = c) style math.

I could be wrong, so grain of salt, but I believe that results belong to God. He’s in control of results. I don’t think He sits up at night worrying about the results of our labor. I think what He’s really interested in is folks getting in the game at any and every level. I think He’s really interested in seed planters. ‘Have one seed? Cool, sow it. Have a thousand seeds? Cool, sow them.’
I think He purposefully called fishermen to speak to a greater truth. ‘Have one line to throw out? Cool, throw it out there. Have ten? Cool, throw them out there.’ He seems to be much more interested in folks getting in the game, than He is about what they bring to the game. He’s a rewarder of those who get in the game.

So, at our mid week check in, I want to encourage you to get in the game. Everyone can do something to support the work of Christ. No contribution is too small. No act of faith goes unnoticed. Get in the game. Get involved. Get your rewards.

I Stabbed My Cousin With A Ka-Bar Fighting Knife…on accident, or Cut

Honest Sharing Time: I stabbed my cousin with a Ka-Bar Fighting Knife, once. Easy, tiger- It was accidental. I love said cousin like a brother, so forth and etc. It was an accident. How do you accidentally stab someone with a Ka-Bar Fighting Knife, you ask? Two words. Catlike reflexes.

“Ahhh! You stabbed me. I can’t believe you just stabbed me,” he said.
He more screamed-whined it, but you get the idea. We were in my mother’s kitchen. It was Christmastime. The scream of pain and disbelief was sharply contrasted by the comforting smell of ham, and gravy, and rolls, and banana pudding.
“What did you expect? You shouldn’t have tried to take it from me,” I replied.
Let’s get real for a second. It’s simple math.

Donnie’s Rule of Knife Math: If you have a knife, and another person doesn’t, and if said other person thinks it’s a good idea to issue a challenge of any sort, there’s a better than 60% chance said other person will bleed his or her own blood. It’s not personal, or even purposeful. It’s just math.
There is a simple formula for the math inclined:
Person A has knife + Person B issues challenge = Person B gets bloody

Then again, empathy is not my strong suit when it comes to blade combat. We all have our flaws, folks, and I guess that is one of mine. Kidding. Eh, kind of.

This toy of death was a Christmas gift my cousin received mere hours earlier. Somehow him showing it to me and letting me get my grubbies on it morphed into him proclaiming, “I bet I could take that from you.”

Grain of salt, this is how I remember it. He issues the challenge, then goes to reach for the knife, and grabs it by the blade. True story. I would also like to point out that the factually correct thing for him to have scream-whined would be ‘Ah, you cut me. I can’t believe you cut me.’ Moral of the story: Donnie may cut you. Again, kidding. Mostly.

Matthew 10:34 (NKJV) “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.”

You never think it’s going to be someone you know. I guess that works both ways. You never think someone you know would stab you with a Ka-Bar Fighting Knife, and you never think you’ll stab someone you know and love with a Ka-Bar Fighting Knife. Weird how life works. Life is sometimes bloody.

Takeaway: Don’t despair if you get cut. It’ll happen. Rub some mud on it and move on as best you can. I hope that you’re having peace this week, but if not, if you’re in a battle, take heart. You have a Savior who carries a big sword. You’re not in the battle alone. You can make it with Him fighting at your side.

Three Wishes, or This

If you were suddenly in a genie in a bottle type situation and you got three wishes, what would they be?

One working fully functional Iron Man suit
1.3 billion dollars (US Currency)
Three more wishes

Kidding. Mostly. But in real life, if Jesus showed up and said, ‘Anything you want, whatever it is, you name it; you can have it right now,” what would you really say? Money? Healing? A family member’s salvation? Before you dismiss the question as foolish, I will add that several people in the Bible did receive this very offer:

Solomon
The Disciples James and John
Bartimaeus

Mark 10:51 (NKJV) “So Jesus answered and said to him, ‘What do you want Me to do for you?‘ The blind man said to Him, ‘Rabboni, that I may receive my sight.'”

I want to encourage you again to take a leap of faith, and to ask. Ask Him for what you need. Ask for big things. Ask. There’s no need too great; there’s no request too small. Have courage this week to ask.

Matthew 9:18 (NKJV) “And when He had come into the house, the blind men came to Him. And Jesus said to them, ‘Do you believe that I am able to do this?‘”

Whatever your ‘this’ is, He is able. Whatever your need is, He is greater. Do you believe? Ask and believe courageously this week.

Houston We Have A Problem, or I’m Not an Orca so I Don’t Eat Tuna Salad

“Wait, what did I order,” he asked.
My son posed that question to his mom when she gave him his lunch. He couldn’t remember what he asked for when lunch time came around. We all had a good chuckle about that. Momma’s Restaurant: Now taking Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Orders. I guess when you’ve got little kids, a little waitering or waitressing is part of the job description.

My most odd ‘what did I order’ situation happened a few months ago. I met a friend for lunch. The waitress takes our order. BLT for me, because it has a vegetable on it and that makes it count as being healthy.

Donnie’s Law of Healthy Food: If food has a vegetable on it, or if a piece of fruit is used as an ingredient, it’s automatically healthy. A BLT has both.

A few minutes go by, and our food arrives: a cheeseburger gets plopped down in front of me. Ok, no biggie. I like burgers, and I prefer any form of food without the spittle of an annoyed cook staff, so, no complaints. 10 seconds later the waitress shows back up, notices that my burger looks nothing like a BLT, and goes to take the plate.

We do the song and dance of ‘No, it’s fine, I like burgers, we’re all good,’ but she was adamant that restaurant policy is that you get the food you order. Ok, no problem. Again, I’m on a strict ‘no spit in my food’ diet, so I’m happy to go with the flow. Whatever makes you and your generous and hygienic cook staff happy is fine with me. She comes back with a tuna salad sandwich. Houston, we have a problem.

I had a decision to make. Do I explain that I was only pretending to be an adult by ordering the pseudo healthy BLT? After all a BLT is grown up food. It’s civilized. It’s practically a salad. It’s a man salad. Do I explain that I am in fact a caveman and what I really wanted to order was a cheeseburger, and that when she mistakenly gave me the cheeseburger, I took that as a sign from God that He loves me? True story. Do I tell her that as I’m neither an orca nor a real adult, I can’t even pretend that I want to keep the tuna salad? Yes, yes I do . After the third try, I finally got that BLT, aka man salad. Weird, right?

Matthew 9:2 (NLT) “Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, ‘Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven.'”

Sometimes, you don’t get what you expect, and sometimes you get more than you bargained for. You’d think that what the man and his friends were ‘ordering up’ would be pretty clear. This paralyzed guy get plopped down in front of you; it’s a no brainer that he wants to walk again. Right?

But again, Jesus goes off script in terms of our expectations. There was a bigger need to address. As much as the man and his friends wanted him to walk again, that was not his greatest need. His greatest need was for a Savior, and so is ours.

I want to encourage you to get some time in with Jesus this weekend. Bring your wants; bring your needs. Tear through a roof if you have to. We have a Savior who listens and who meets the needs of His people. Have a great weekend.

Why Aren’t You Panicking, Jesus! or Zombie Snake Hybrid Apocalypse

If you ever see me running, something has gone horribly wrong. I hate running. I don’t run, people. I know several people who not only say they don’t hate running, but also profess that they actually like running. Savages.

If you’ve read ‘Bearly Escaping’, you know that snakes scare me enough to make me try to climb my wife like a tree so that I can get away. But I hate running so much that I don’t even run from snakes. True story.

If I’m running, it’s time to panic, and you’d be wise to start moving in the same direction as me, as these are the most likely scenarios:

There’s a zombie apocalypse occurring
There’s a snake apocalypse occurring
There’s an explosion likely to cause a zombie snake hybrid apocalypse

Matthew 8:24-26 (NLT): “Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

Jesus doesn’t panic. Most of the disciples were seasoned fishermen, so if they’re panicking over this storm, then the situation is at zombie snake hybrid apocalypse level. But Jesus didn’t panic.

No matter the storm, and no matter the wind and waves, Jesus is fully capable of handling your storm. He doesn’t panic for the same reason that I don’t panic over making coffee in the morning: I’ve got that situation under control, suckers. And He has your situation under control. Calming your seas, and the wind and waves is as easy to Him as making a pot of coffee is to me. It’s no biggie.

He’s got you. Have faith. He doesn’t fail. He doesn’t have to run or panic, because He’s the One running things. You can have great calm, knowing that He is more than able for any situation.

That’s Unexpecting, or Wait, Where’d He Go

“That’s unexpecting.”
When my kids were younger, they’d say funny things like ‘unexpecting’ instead of ‘unexpected’ and ‘keppitch’ instead of ‘ketchup’. I loved it. I still love it. My daughter still says things like ‘a-bisque’ instead of ‘abyss.’ Makes me smile every time.

Our kids have an interesting way of speaking. I guess that’s not ‘unexpecting’, since they hear my wife and me say weird and interesting things. My mother in law swears that my wife and I have our own language, so I guess it makes sense that our kids say fun things.

When my daughter was young, she had a bit of a British accent. True story. While that’s not odd in the grand scheme of things, in that some humans do in fact have British accents. It is odd in that those humans are typically some flavor of British, and we’re unexpectingly not British or ‘One of the Britishes,’ as my son would say. Our daughter would want to go ‘ootside’ and play instead of outside. Cutest thing ever. “Push me in the swing, daddy,” in her little British accent and her little blond curly hair. How do you say no to that?

My son had this Sean Connery accent thing going when he was little. Again, not unexpecting if you’re a flavor of Scottish, but, strangely enough, we are not. Imagine a little three foot tall Connery asking, “Dad, do you want to wrestle?” All we need now is some Welsh and some Northern Irish and we’d have our own little United Kingdom. I can’t really explain our weird words and weird accents other than to say that we’re unexpecting sometimes.

Matthew 8:18 (NLT) “When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he instructed his disciples to cross to the other side of the lake.”

I ran into this verse this morning. More and more I’m noticing that Jesus does and says the unexpected. Jesus is unexpecting. Here’s The Son of God, The Lamb, The Redeemer For All Mankind, and when He notices He’s picking up a large crowd, He takes off. He doesn’t even say bye. One minute He’s there. Next minute, “Wait, where’d He go?”

I mean, that’s kind of weird, right? Where I would see a big crowd as a sign of success, or see it as a sign that I’m doing the right things, Jesus saw it as a sign that it’s time to get out of town. We live in a world where fame, and followers, and a crowd are the evidence of success, so when I see Jesus purposefully sabotaging His following…it’s unexpecting.

While Jesus was fully God, He was also fully man, and man-o-man, is there danger in the crowd. It’s easy to start finding your acceptance in the crowd around you instead of finding it in God. It’s easy to start measuring your success by the size of your crowd instead of the size of your God within you. Groupthink is real, and it’s easy to start outsourcing your decisions to the crowd instead of sourcing your decisions from His will.

So, at this midweek check in, I want to encourage you to find a boat. What I mean by that is find some time to recalibrate. Find some time to get alone with God. Find some time to get refocused on Him and His will for your life. The crowd may find it unexpecting. But it’s ok to be unexpecting when you’re following the example of Christ.

T.J.B.L, or How Hard Could It Be

If it takes a big man to admit he’s shouted belligerently at an instruction manual or a YouTube video for being a bag of filthy lies, then I’m that kind of big man. T.J.B.L- Those Jokers Be Lying.

How to Replace a Dishwasher, How to Lose Weight, How to Put Together Your Kid’s Toy, How to Build or Do This Thing in 10 Simple Steps- It all looks so easy when someone else is doing it.

Donnie’s Law of Calculating How Hard Something Will Be In Real Life: Estimate how hard you think it will be and then multiply by 5. A two minute instructional video equates to two hours actual work time. If the video is twenty minutes or longer, just cut to the chase and hire a professional. If supplies are needed, then plan on three to five trips to the store.

None of my home improvement projects go according to plan. Sometimes they end in sewage being sprayed across my home and my loved ones. None of my children’s toys are put together as easily as the instructions would lead you to believe. Those projects typically end in bloodshed. Either I have the worst luck in the history of mankind, which is possible, or there’s a fair bit of editing happening behind the scenes.

Everything looks easier than it really is when I try it. We live in an online world, and millions are uploading, and Tweeting, and FaceBooking, and it all looks so easy. Life looks easier when others are doing it. Those herpes medication commercial jokers are living it up and having the time of their lives at the beach, and here I am shouting at an instruction manual. Either I ride the shortest of all the buses, or T.J.B.L- Those Jokers Be Lying.

Matthew 7:14 (NLT) “But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”

It’s easy for me to get discouraged. But then again, here I was spraying sewage all over myself and the house trying to unclog a toilet, and that jerk on the YouTube video was sprayed by not one feces. I mean, how fair is that? Here I am using super glue to stop a cut from bleeding, and not one mention of bloodshed was mentioned in the instruction manual. What gives? Why are there never any ‘Have a Bandaid handy’ warnings on any instruction manual?

Even Christianity looks easy when others are doing it. “Man, that guy just PRAYS…or that joker is always serving…or wow, they are really talented…or man, it seems like they never sin.” It’s never that easy when I try it. It’s ugly, and bloody, and painful when I try it.

If you feel the same way, you’re not alone. G.K Chesterton once wrote, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.” I want to encourage you today that if life seems difficult, maybe you’re on the right track. If walking and living for Jesus seems difficult, maybe you’re on the right path. Jesus said it would be hard. Don’t give up. Don’t get tripped by how easy someone else makes it look. Don’t give up. Keep pushing. Keep bleeding. Keep praying. Keep struggling. There’s life. There’s the life that’s promised by the only One who can really give it.

Sunshine and The Hippie, or Throw It In the Wash- It’ll Be Grand

“What in the world am I even seeing?” I asked aloud, though no one but me was in the car. You never know what you’re going to get into with our family.

My daughter is sunshine. Everyone who meets her basks in her light. She loves. She hugs. She shines so bright. She gets it from her mom, an undercover hippie if ever there was one. You leave the two of them unattended, and all bets are off. It’ll be like the videos you’ve seen of hippies dancing at Woodstock. Smiles, dancing, and ‘peace, man,’ and flowers, and as in this case- mud.

It was a warm morning. We were in West Virginia visiting my parents. I left church a bit early to run a quick errand, and was heading back to pick up my girls.

“Oh…wow. Just wow,” I said as I pulled into the parking lot. Our daughter was just a toddler at the time.

When our daughter was little, we dressed her in little dresses and put bows in her hair. She was wearing these little white tights and this cute little baby girl dress with shiny black shoes that now seem impossibly small. How can feet start so small?

Last I saw her, she was pristine. And now, there was so much mud. Splattered, caked, frothed. Mud was everywhere. Her dress. Her hair. Her little baby white tights. Are her shoes…yep, shoes are on in the mud. Imagine if you will, a Sammy Davis Jr style tap dance extravaganza put on by my baby girl while standing in a mud puddle. My wife was standing off to the side, smiling, beaming. Imagine that. Little hippie sunshine baby is dancing in the mud and hippie momma is standing in the sunshine, happy as a clam.

1 John 1:0 (NLT) “But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”

No biggie. We cleaned her up, put her dress and tights in the washer, washed out her shoes, and that was that. No muss, no fuss. Too easy. Every time I pass by that church parking lot, I think of my baby girl dancing in the mud.

I’ve been muddy. Man, have I been muddy before. But, it was no big deal for God to clean me up. Man, He’s still cleaning me up. I don’t mean to minimize the seriousness of sin, but only to highlight the ease at which it can be wiped clean by the blood of Jesus. Oxyclean doesn’t have anything on the cleansing power of the blood of Jesus. It didn’t overwhelm God. It didn’t surprise Him, really. We washed Kaili, and she was good as new; God washed me up just as simple, and just as easy.

You may mess up this week. You may be super muddy already. Let me assure you that washing your sins away isn’t too hard for God. He hasn’t given up on you because you got some more mud on your clothes. He’s invested in you. He’s in for the long haul. You just have to confess and let Him do what He does. He’s responsible for the cleansing; you’re responsible for surrendering to him, and getting back up and trying again. You can do it.

Jet Pack, or I Was Vaporized By a Five Year Old

“What do you want for Christmas, baby girl?” we asked.
“A jet pack and a real Jeep,” she replied. True story.

“Well, baby, I don’t think jet packs really exist, and you’re too young to drive a real Jeep. Don’t you want something else? And even then, Santa can’t afford all that,” I replied.
Logic, suckers. This is what I’m good at. This was my out. You can’t drive. Santa can’t afford a real Jeep. The dream and magic of Santa lives on for another day. Jet packs aren’t even real. This parenting thing? I’ve got this.

It was a trap. It was a Star Wars level ‘that’s no moon, it’s a space station’ trap, and I walked right into it. Vaporized.

I’ll never forget the look on her face- a mixture of victory, pity, and of being disappointed in my level of Santa Clause understanding.
“Santa has elves. So, he doesn’t need money. That’s what the elves are for. And they can make anything,” she replied. In true ‘drop the mic’ fashion, she finished me off with, “And Mommy can drive the Jeep until I’m old enough.”

Just like that, I was sunk.
‘Uh oh,’ I thought. ‘She’s smarter than me. Oh, man. We’re in trouble.’ Red lights and warning sirens were firing off in my brain. ‘Danger! Oh, man. Danger!’ I was yet again in a bad spot.

She was maybe five years old at the time. Only five. I mean, at that age, we’ve got a long way to go. If she’s smarter than me when she’s five, I’m sunk. Hang it up and just hand her the check book. You’re done here.

‘Ok, quick. Think of something.’
“Uhhhhh,” was the best response I could muster.
‘Stupid brain. Why aren’t you working?’ I looked at my wife. She looked back at me. A twinkle in her eye. Was it fear? Or was it joy at the prospect of driving Kaili’s new Jeep for the next ten years? Panic. Sheer panic. She’s only five. Can’t kill Santa. Must have answer. Must save Christmas.

Matthew 7:8,11 (NLT) “For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened…11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

We changed the subject. She may have outwitted me with her mastery of Santa logic, but five year old children have the attention span of a Chihuahua in a park full of squirrels. What else could we do but change the subject? I was outwitted by a five year old, and Jamie was already picking out what interior options they would get on the Jeep. I dodged the bullet.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to give my kids amazing presents. I want to give them good things. I’m not a great present picker outer, but I’m a fantastic online present buyer. I like buying presents online. The world is at my fingertips and can be delivered to my door in two days.

But not all gifts are good, and not all good gifts are good at the time. A real life jet pack would be an amazing present for a professional stuntman or pilot, but not for a five year old. A Jeep is an amazing present, but not if the cost involves having to get a second job to pay for that joker and missing out on being with your family.

I look back at all the things I’ve asked God for over the years, and I’m thankful that many times He said no. Sometimes he said, “Not now.” Sometimes He said, “Oh, yeah big boy. Here you go.” And it was amazing. As we close out this week, I wanted to remind you that your heavenly Father digs giving you good gifts.

I want to encourage you to go big. Go jet pack and a Jeep level big. Ask, seek, knock. Ask- Is this good? Seek- Is this His will? Knock- Lord, can I have this? Trust- He loves you, and He’s given His word to give good unto you. I hope He gives you something good this weekend. And if you get a jet pack, hook a brother up!